I Failed Miserably and It's Fantastic: A 32 Before 32 Update

 "I don't want to hurry it. That itself is a poisonous twentieth-century attitude. When you want to hurry something, that means you no longer care about it and want to get on to other things. I just want to get at it slowly, but carefully and thoroughly..." ― Robert M. Pirsig


Today is my 32nd birthday. A remarkable day for me having made it another revolution around the sun and capping off what's been a pretty tremendous year personally, but in the grand scheme of birthdays it doesn't really make the list. It's another year I'm pleased to tally on, but not one they make special cards for. It was partially with this in mind that I decided to create my 32 Before 32 list last year to spice things up a bit. 32 things I wanted to do before I turned 32. A notion that I would carry out year after year and create goals on an ever increasing scale.

I failed.

As someone that's more than a touch Type A, writing out lists and checking them off has always been tremendously satisfying. I set out to do something, accomplished it, and had visual confirmation of said accomplishment. This created very black and white versions of success and I took a great amount of pleasure running a pen through an item to show my success. But here's the thing I learned in a year of being even more obsessed with lists than usual: I don't want to do that shit anymore. I don't want to keep creating future-oriented goals and setting standards for myself that I may not have a desire to keep. Because the simple truth is things change. Priorities, opportunities, passions, and... well... people. I've changed quite a bit in the past year, hope to change more in the coming year, and I don't want to keep myself beholden to a list of things a previous incarnation of me wanted to do.

Making my lists and going about crossing items off always left me thinking "what's next?" I wouldn't allow myself to truly enjoy a moment because I was too focused on what I hadn't done, what else needed doing, or what could be done next. And while there's still a very large part of me that doesn't want to let go of that desire for the next challenge, I think it's time to step away from the mentality of needing to check something off a list. I want to shift away from a mentality that constantly kept me looking forward with an insatiable appetite for what's next and attempt to find more joy in what I'm currently doing. Because blindly following a set of rules I'd set out for myself didn't always yield the results I wanted.

For example, earlier this spring my wife and I had an unexpected three day weekend and weren't sure what to do. Naturally, with it being my 32 Before 32 year, I consulted my list. It wasn't enough time to do something huge like learn basic conversational Korean (#1 on the list), but it was enough for us to make the nearly six hour drive North and hike Seoraksan (#8). And if we packed our camping gear I could cross off spending the night on a mountain (#28) too! It was already April and I had fallen woefully behind on my list, so a weekend with a guaranteed twofer (and potentially more) would get me back on track. The first day we hiked the Ulsanbawi Rock Course and felt a bit discouraged. Not only were there too many metal stairs and not enough natural trails, but it was too early in the season for any foliage to take hold and the landscape was desolate and sterile. It was like plodding through Jack Skellington's forest minus the snow, charm, singalongs, or passages to Santa's workshop. But, dammit, I had crossed off something on my list!

We planned on spending the night on the mountain and hiking to the Daecheongbong summit early in the morning, but it was freezing cold at the campsite and we wound up springing for a last minute motel to avoid hypothermia. We woke early in the morning, drank crappy canned coffee, and were ready to set out on our hike. Upon finally finding the trail head, we were met by a pleasant old man who came to the car window, pointed to the mountain, said "no," and then lit his lighter. Unsure if we were supposed to have a lighter on us, if he was looking for a cigarette, or if we needed to pass a trial by fire, I bitterly drove us to another trail head. It was closed. Finally we searched it online and found out Daecheongbong closed during the winter months for forest fire watches and the trail wouldn't be open for several months. Hence the old man's lighter explanation. After seeing a few Korean couples come to the same trail head, do the same internet search, and hang their head with the same defeat, we knew our fate: a six hour drive home not having summited the mountain we'd driven six hours to hike.

As we drove home, the weather vastly improved, the sun came out, and it was impossible to miss the leaves that had sprouted on many of the trees. When we finally parked in our apartment's lot, cherry blossom pedals fell from the trees and covered the car. It wasn't until just then that I realized I had led us on a foolhardy charge to the North on what was possibly the nicest weekend to be in our little town. The weather had been near perfect for days, the fleeting cherry blossoms were in full bloom, and there was a festival within walking distance from our door with plenty of beer, fascinating live music, and whole roasted pig. And I ignored all of that because I had a deadline to meet and needed to hike Seoraksan before my 32nd birthday. Nevermind the fact it was too early in the year, never mind the fact I hadn't properly researched it, never mind the 12 hours we would spend in the car when we only had three days off, I had an opportunity to cross something off my list and it had to be done. And yet, in spite of all of my insistences and rushing, it couldn't be.

But here's the thing: Seoraksan's still there. It's August 31st and I'm past my self made deadline, but the mountain's still there, ready to be hiked. I only had to hike it that weekend because I told myself I did. Instead of slowing down and reveling in being outside in a hoody or light jacket and shedding the dregs of winter off while drinking outside and enjoying good food, I declared the weekend an opportunity for unmitigated success in crossing something off a list. In doing so I robbed myself of enjoying the cherry blossoms to their fullest, the annual festival on our doorstep, and simply having an delightful weekend in good weather with the woman I love. I would've had plenty of time to hike the local mountains, and even drive 20-30 minutes to get to bigger ones, but that wasn't good enough because they weren't on my list and dammit I had deadlines to meet.

That was the first time I stopped and took stock of my list and what it meant to me. What would it mean to accomplish everything on the list? Why was it important to me? Were these really things I wanted to do within a year or simply things I thought of to fill in the gaps to get to 32? Most importantly, was I having fun checking things off the list or was I simply falling into a pattern of taking things I enjoy and making them into work? For example, I enjoy brewing beer. But instead of just leaving it at that, I told myself I had to brew five batches in a year (#15). Forget if I had the time or money or desire to do so, I wrote it down and now I had to live up to it! If I didn't brew five batches of beer (or anything else on the list for that matter) then I'd be upset with myself for failing and feel like I just wasn't working hard enough. Why did I find the time to play FIFA and relax on a Sunday when I could've been brewing beer? Never mind the fact that both are supposed to be relaxing, enjoyable activities, I had chosen one over the other and it resulted in failure. It's self sabotage.

I need to step away from being such a damn perfectionist.

I don't want to constantly second-guess myself and wonder what I could or should be doing at any moment to help me achieve arbitrary goals. Not only has this habit prevented me from ever truly relaxing and putting my mind at ease, but it's been a hindrance to being fully present in the moment. I've been thinking lately of Robert M. Pirsig's quote in Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: "when you want to hurry something, that means you no longer care about it and want to get on to other things." And that's how I was forcing myself to live life: in a hurry. 365 days to cross as many things off the list as possible. And to this day I can't really answer why I was living that way. I don't know the end goal I was rushing towards so hastily. Maybe there never was one. But, as luck would have it, taking that mentality to an extreme and failing so completely finally forced me to stop and take stock of what I've been doing and change the behavior.

Instead of finding joy in crossing something off a list, I've become much more keen to enjoy small, seemingly unimportant moments like how water tastes after first waking, how the sun feels on the first day I can wear a t-shirt outside, or how the leaves sound different in the peak of summer when the wind hits them. I've tried to seek out joy in following whims, literally getting lost, and making human connections instead of achieving tasks. This newfound mentality was finalized for me when attempting to plan a two week trip to Japan and spending 10 of those days on my own. I debated going white water rafting (#21) in the middle of the country, hiking a ridgeline for three days (#6), and taking an overnight ferry home (#27) to give the list one last go, but ultimately decided that wasn't the kind of trip I wanted to have. I wanted to have more downtime than that amount of traveling would allow and I wasn't going to let a list I finalized on my 31st birthday determine what I would do day to day nearly a year later. Instead my wife and I went to Kyoto where we missed a number of the "must see" attractions in favor of sitting near a stream and taking in a captivating night market, having lengthy conversations with newfound friends, or changing plans entirely based on how we felt at the time. On my solo leg of the journey I summited Mount Fuji (something that wasn't on my mighty 32 list), and abandoned plans of a night out in the neon-soaked streets of Tokyo in favor of eating Dominoes in a friend's home while discussing everything from global politics to the Mobile Suit Gundam series. It wasn't what I originally thought I'd be doing, and didn't help me cross anything off my list, but both of those experiences helped me get a bit closer to understanding what's truly important to me and what's okay to leave behind for the time being.

So, this year instead of a 33 Before 33, I'm going to attempt to be more mindful of my life as I go through it and stop rushing tasks to completion. Because, to quote Robert Pirsig again "the past cannot remember the past. The future can’t generate the future. The cutting edge of this instant right here and now is always nothing less than the totality of everything there is.” 

But... it wouldn't be right not to revisit the list. In spite of the shift in mentality, these are all very much things I'm still interested in doing, I'm just not interested in putting a time frame on them anymore. Here's the list as it stands now with a few notes on each entry:

1. Learn basic conversational Korean - FAIL

Improved my vocab and learned a few more key phrases, but never got to where I wanted. Starting classes with Korean Digital Academy in two weeks to get over the hurdle.

2. Get PADI Scuba Diving Certification - FAIL

Currently planning on heading to Malaysia to get certified this January.

3. Get quarter sleeve tattoo - FAIL

Had to cancel several appointments with tattoo artist. September's the date now!

4. Learn a Korean song for noreabang - FAIL

See above.

5. Make a good Old Fashioned - FAIL

Rye whiskey's hard to come by in Korea. Made some okay ones with bourbon though.

6. Hike a ridgeline for at least two days - FAIL

Just didn't take enough time out for it.

7. Hike Gwanaksan (3rd tallest in Korea)

Really enjoyable hike just outside of Seoul. Careful to watch your trails on the descent though, got quite lost and nearly had to spend the night in some WWII bunkers. 

8. Hike Seoraksan 

I'm calling the Ulsanbawi course good enough to knock it off the list. Will definitely go back in the future though. In season this time.

9. Go on a night hike

Hiked Fuji over night for the sunrise and would love to do more night hiking. Truly fascinating sensory experience.

10. Play in a full day soccer tournament

Did this one twice. Once with Geoje International FC where we WON the Geoje Mini World Cup, and once with Gwangsun FC at the Ulsan Cup a few months later.

11. Score a goal in competitive play (11-a-side)

Scored it against my current team while playing for my old one. I didn't celebrate... much.

12. Visit at least 3 new K-League stadiums - FAIL

Made it to two. Changwon and Jeonju were both gems.

13. Interview at least 2 more K-League players

Quite happy to have had the opportunity to interview the Jeonnam Dragons' Stevica Ristić, Vedran Jugović, and Tomislav Mrčela.

14. Go to a Korean National Team match - FAIL

Most games take place during the week near Seoul. A bit too far for me unfortunately.

15. Brew at least 5 batches of beer - FAIL

I only managed two batches. The beer was tasty and as I always I enjoyed the process.

16. Make makgeolli - FAIL

Might give it a go this year.

17. Read 5 new sci fi novels - FAIL

After two straight years of reading almost nothing but Sci-Fi, I had to take a break. Switched to fantasy and a good amount of non-fiction. Will soon drop back into Sci-Fi with Ready Player One.

18. Read 3 non-fiction books

Managed this one. Read The Geography of Thought, Big Magic, Vagabonding, and The Power of Myth. Would highly recommend all of them. 

19. Read Religion for Atheists to begin studying religions more

Read it and didn't love it. Still curious to study religions more, but can't give credit to this book for that.

20. Visit the DMZ - FAIL

Much like Korean National Team games, it's a bit far North.

21. Go white water rafting - FAIL

Will definitely do this sooner than later.

22. Ride a zipline - FAIL

There's a course where we used to live here in Korea. May head over there for a long weekend sometime soon.

23.  See live jazz

Stopped by the Green Mill while in Chicago after the wedding. Delightful as always.

24. Send a birthday present to all nieces and nephews - FAIL

Sent Christmas presents instead to send one big package instead of 10,000 small ones.

25. Go to the movies at least five times - FAIL

Ugh. Shockingly failed this one. Blaming my wife here. It's like pulling teeth getting her to actually go to the theater.

26. Temple Stay - FAIL

Still interested to do this. Would like to study Buddhism a bit more first though.

27. Spend the night on a boat - FAIL

Almost!

28. Spend the night on a mountain

Five different 10 minute naps count, right? That's what I managed on the way to Fuji's summit from 8:00pm to 4:30am.

29. Arm workouts at least once a week - FAIL

Still rocking the scarecrow arms.

30. Work on a farm for at least a day - FAIL

Don't think I'll get to this one too soon, but am still interested.

31. Make a decent bowl of ramen - FAIL

So much prep work! 

32. Go back to Japan

Delightful trip. As always.